Identifying

Have you ever wondered why some people are able to do the hard things and others struggle? For instance, getting up in the morning. We all do it, but it seems easier for others. Or how about saying no to sweets? What about exercise; clearly there are people who love to exercise and sweat and breathe hard-it’s just not normal to do what they do. Those people who put their bodies through the ringer…that’s not even healthy. And drinking three gallons of water…well, that could be death knocking at the door. Those people who eat meat are just shortening their lives. Those vegans may be lengthening life but why…where is the joy? Don’t even start on the day drinking.

Do any of those thoughts strike a cord? They are all identities a person places on his/herself, and/or on ‘other’ people. We either identify with or apart from things, ideas and ways of life. Based on what people do and say, we make judgements on their identities. We may assume someone loves to be out of breath (because we don’t), when they exercise. The truth is, no one ‘likes’ the feeling of not being able to breathe. They do it anyway, because they identify as someone who aims to be healthier, improve cardio or strength or agility.

We may assume someone who doesn’t eat a piece of cake is superhuman or has strong will power; maybe they don’t feel good that day, or they don’t like cake, that flavour, or they have made a decision to abstain from cake for a month.

What Does This Have to Do With Success?

A while back, I was talking to someone in his sixties. He had just completed a five kilometre walk with others at an event. He commented that he could not do ten thousand steps every day as is recommended. He looks fit enough, maybe some joint pain, but otherwise able-bodied. I asked him why. He said it would be too much. I suggested he is still young, to which he laughed. I mentioned that there are older people doing half and full marathons. He said, “Yeah but they are conditioned to do it.” I said, “Yes, and you could condition yourself to walk ten thousand steps a day.” His response, “Yes, but at my age I am not going to start conditioning.”

I had just been reading the chapter Our Social Identities Shape Our World, in Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg and here was an example of someone whose identity of his age is ‘I’m too old to start now’. His belief and identity is shaping his actions or lack thereof. I was and still am, completely fascinated by this phenomenon, and will be watching for this in myself as well as others. It’s moments of these revelations that people call on their coaches and accountability partners to call them out on their BS.

What BS?

Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating people do things that will harm themselves. I do not adhere to no pain, no gain, to the extreme…though it may not be comfortable to have sore muscles or be tired. I acknowledge there are people who have illness, disability and are suffering in ways others cannot understand who physically and/or mentally or emotionally cannot do the things others can do. And I know from personal experience, there are seasons in life’s ups and downs that we identify differently with what we could do, what we can do, and what we are willing to do in the moment.

Otherwise: Do one more thing. Yes, the Power of One More (Ed Mylett). Whatever you are able to do, do it more. Grow, improve, get stronger not weaker. And work on your identity. Because in the whole scheme of things, what you will start and continue to do is built on identity. And if you know you, you will be able to figure out what keeps you going forward.

There is a pattern: A person thinks, ‘something needs to change/I want to have this/I want things to be different.’ Then they figure out what it is they can/are willing to do. Identity plays a role right here. Thoughts of, ‘That’s too hard,’ ‘I am too old/young,’ ‘I don’t know how to,’ ‘If I do that, it’s like I have been lying all this time,’ or ‘I was wrong in my beliefs–what will people think?,’ or ‘Who am I with my family/friends if I don’t believe that anymore?,’ and so many more thoughts, eliminate a lot of options in our minds. It also has us moving back to old patterns when things get a little challenging. We don’t want to miss time with friends and this is a tradition, become reasons for missing out on commitment to oneself. It’s easy and comfortable doing what is easy and comfortable.

A decision is made: Let’s say someone decides to lose weight or exercise or take up running. They commit to a daily practice. Everything is going great…until it is derailed. Let’s not go to the worst case of injury or illness, or a sick child. What about a bad day? That can be hard. A long day of stuff…hard again. One person will do what it takes despite the bad day. Another will say they will pick it up tomorrow. Of those that say they will resume, some will; others will spiral into more days and weeks of little cheats and big misses. They struggle to maintain what they set out to do. It may not be their season. They likely feel discouraged…I know I have been there.

Was the decision strong enough? If it is a decision, it always is, until it is not. The challenge may be too great. There may be roadblocks not considered, the person may decide it’s not that important anymore. We all have our reasons to abandon a goal. They are legit reasons. They don’t help us feel better when we abandon our mission especially when it feels like we are just weak and unable to do it.

Accountability: This is where accountability comes in….if you are helped by it. Some people don’t care what a coach or buddy has to say. They will do what they want. Others find it helpful to be able to report to someone regularly. It keeps them on track. An accountability coach or partner can encourage them to get back up when they have fallen of the wagon. He/she can celebrate the wins and give suggestions on how to cope with future roadblocks. They can walk along side you, or pull you along kicking and screaming, to your goal. And they can’t do it for you!

Where Does It Lead? We have all had those days that lead to weeks. And there are seasons beyond our control that go beyond bad weeks. We may transform in one way and then transform in another. We may do the same transformation a few times in life. I gained weight when I had kids. I lost weight after the fourth one. I gained slowly through the time of the middle years and lost it again going into my 50s. And over the following years life got a little crazy and stress pulled me away from caring about what I looked like (I was exercising and still felt okay physically) and I am transforming again.

I have been coaching people over the years in different capacities. I am enjoying accountability coaching. I have had the opportunity to walk people through the tough projects and see their joy at each step to the end. It is gratifying to be able to help someone get to where they are going. If you are interested in having some accountability guidance, reach out and we can see if it is a fit.