I went skating on a lake in February. It was a bit rough. The years between being on skates took their toll. I felt like I was skating for the very first time. I likened my form to that of a toddler. I didn’t fall; I took it slow and steady and took many rests between.
A couple of weeks later, I went skating again, sharper skates, and a smoother surface in the rec centre rink. The skating of a couple weeks before did not seem to improve my balance or skills when I started out, yet again like a new born deer’s attempts at walking. My inner toddler showed up, except the falling. I took it slow and steady and took some rests. And each time I went back out, I got faster, more relaxed and looking like I had skated once or twice.
Over the years I have worked hard on keeping my world big in the face of the natural tendency of aging and aging mindset, that creates a shrinking world. That shrinking world comes from being tired and unsure and sometimes fear. Or, it may be we get wiser as we age. I know people who are afraid to drive in their late 50s and people who give up working out or doing sports in their 30’s and 40s for fear of injury. I started this blog 11 years ago when I turned 50 to encourage people to do more than they think they can.
I have been doing a lot of reflection over the last few months, about a number of things but more recently, about not falling while skating. I am very aware many people would not get on skates at all after 5-6 years gap of being on skates. There is always a last time we do something and we don’t know when that is; it is rarely a conscious decision.
I broke my wrist a couple of years ago. With working out, and conscious work on form, the difference in my right hand, arm and wrist is almost imperceivable. I felt confident afterwards and still do with my abilities. But there is residual fear…or at least that’s where I think I am challenged. I don’t want to fall on the cold hard ice. I don’t want to hurt. I may subconsciously fear my ability to heal at my age, or my ability to do the activity at my age. I may have succumbed to the agism that creeps up on us and preaches, ‘you are too old for…’ But is it true?
I haven’t snowboarded since before covid. There are contributing factors. It was a hassle during covid with times and masks and procedures. Then there was no snow and then I broke my wrist. Last winter my husband was unable to walk without a walker and was awaiting hip replacement surgeries. I was holding down the fort; physically doing the things that kept our home in operation and the risk of me being injured put him at risk of not getting his surgery as well as us not caring for ourselves. It is a strange place to find yourself when, you haven’t reached senior status in all things.
I am happy to report Lawrence got 2 new hips, one end of March (we just had the one year anniversary), and the second in September last year. He is able to skate and do so many things he hasn’t been able to for a couple of years. This is not to say I will take risks. That said, what I may not consider risk may be for someone else. This season I missed snowboarding again, with lack of snow and weather that went to extremes in March. Next year.
I am resisting letting fear make my world smaller. I still drive downtown and find parking and walk the blocks to get to the destination all without knowing where I am going. I hate it and feel nervous most of the time. Then again, it may be a product of who I have been most of my life, needing to know in advance what things look like and how they will likely play out. And as people age, they become more of who they are, and the habits they have formed. I seek to become more conscious of those things and resist the urge for doing what is comfortable.
I am working on becoming comfortable with the unknown, because it is all unknown…and fleeting. And I can’t control those things. I will never be willy-nilly or detached from the best possible or intended outcome, but I will work on my illusion of controlling the outcome, especially when other factors can disrupt it.
I have said in the past that the secret to happiness is low expectations. I have changed it to Happiness is created through high standards and managed expectations. High standards are intentionally aiming for excellence/the best: managed expectations with yourself (and others), because life happens.
Without throwing caution to the wind, I can do things that I may not think I am capable of. I can push some limits. I will continue to expand my world as my mindset may be encouraging me to shrink it.
As you are aging, do you find you take fewer risks? Do you find your world slowly deflating, because you are tired, injured, don’t care or fearful?
A New Dawn 