Just when I think I have my act together, it falls apart. Or so it seems, it seems the world is conspiring to sabotage all the efforts, to wear me down, to poke holes into my resolve, to keep me from my goals, from success. Such was my week last week. I started out Sunday last week with energy, and accomplishments galore. I went for a run planning to run again on Tuesday (the forecast was for nice weather again). I had my other sports/workouts on the roster and I felt rested and motivated. Monday went just as well, and then…
Tuesday happened. It isn’t always a Tuesday but this particular Tuesday was the day. We were getting ready to take Furgus to the vet when my hubby started feeling pains in his back. By the time we got to the vet 40 minutes later my hubby was doubled over and almost passing out. I dropped Furgus off with the receptionist, signed the examination consent form and drove Lorne to hospital. Drugs and drugs helped his pain and tests and tests and the next two days more tests, finally revealed the sharp object moving in his urinary system…yep kidney stones. That was Thursday.
Back to Tuesday. The day was spent in the hospital, waiting, so much waiting and not knowing when the doctor would come in, and no food, no planning was involved…How do you plan food around an emergency visit to the hospital anyway? Furgus was okay, his swollen leg the result of a cat bite and treated with antibiotics. Arriving home in near dark having animals to feed and us to feed, I did not go for a run. The sheer exhaustion of the stress from the day did me in to the point of feeling ill. And we had to go back in the morning.
Wednesday morning did not start out with my scheduled bootcamp (nor Spanish class which is also on my dream board) and the day passed with a bit more stress being told, no stones showed up so you have to go to a different hospital tomorrow for a CT scan. That appointment was set for the afternoon.
Thursday I got to play wallyball in the morning as is my custom. An hour and half of good fun and exercise does wonders for the mental state. After getting the CT scan in the afternoon, we returned to the original hospital. After waiting there for over an hour we got confirmation of the moving stone, size and plan of action. Another late day and late feeding of chickens, eat quickly and head out to basketball.
That too was foiled with the sudden and rapid falling of snow. No visibility, I turned around and cancelled basketball.
At some points I felt rather discouraged, especially when I was feeling particularly exhausted. At other points I just went with it, because that’s really all you can do. I also felt encouraged because despite the chaos that was my life in those few days, I still got in some exercise, I still got in time to do Spanish homework, I still had a tidy house and still made good food choices (when I finally got to eat). Despite the upheaval, the things that needed to be done were done. Despite the stress of ‘not knowing’ at the beginning, we got the good news of kidney stones…yep good news because we know that ‘this too shall pass’ and all will be right again. Not without some pain (oh he will suffer greatly still) but then it will be done.
What my hubby was going through was terrible, that is his experience, his story; I am not saying his situation was about me. Still when my loved one is going through something, I am affected and that part is about me. That part is my experience; it is okay to feel it, to know it, to accept it, to talk about it. It is what is happening around me and does influence what is happening in my world. It changes my plans, it affects what I am doing. In accepting that part is about me, I can accept what I can’t change in the situation. In accepting what I can’t change, I can discover what I can control and in that way, I am empowered and not beaten down by the things I can’t control.
I become aware of how terrible others have it. I am grateful for the ‘smallness’ of my struggles. When I think I have it together, it sometimes feels like the world conspires against me. In those moments I remember ‘This too shall pass”, to relax, to take a breath, and know that I can still be successful in some things, even if not in what I had planned.