Four Men in a Bar

A couple of years ago, I met four men in a downtown bar. While this is true in it’s simplest terms, it is also the way I start the story I will share with you.

I really don’t don’t like going to our downtown. As a rural girl who needs a vehicle to get to the nearest store, I am not accustomed to taking public transit in my city. With that, many occasions necessitating going downtown are in the evening. So taking a vehicle is the quickest, most efficient and safest way to go downtown by myself. Taking a vehicle means traffic through construction, and ripped up streets, one ways, no turns and detours. Then finding parking; since my excursions are limited to a couple of times a year, to different areas of downtown, finding a place close, that doesn’t cost an arm, leg and firstborn, is slightly stress inducing. Add snow, cold, rain, not being able to find the tiny sign on the venue and it can create a bit of anxiety in anticipation and execution…and after the event.

I took a development course. The meetings for Q&A were/are on zoom as there are people in the group from across the country. Over time and with the addition of people on fb you get to know people. One of the men in the group was visiting from Toronto and the curator of the course was in town; I had the opportunity to meet with him for coffee the day before the evening event which was a meetup for people interested in development.

When people come into the city from afar, they often stay in the downtown area or a trendy area on the south side. Soooo…the gatherings and meetups are in the downtown or south side areas. Both areas have limited paid parking. After years of not needing to going downtown and those couple of years of not leaving the house much, the excursion to downtown that fateful evening was scary and I did it anyway.

I was late because I had to drive around tofind the large pub type restaurant where everyone was meeting, even with gps. Then I needed to find somewhere to park nearby. I parked in the underground parking under the library. There was construction at the one entrance so I took the other. The stairs out of the parkade exited to the street from a glass box near the construction end of the street. I had to walk to the other end of the street, and walk all the way back up to the street where the restaurant was. There were a few homeless people wandering the streets. It was about 7 pm and the sun was setting.

I didn’t know who was going to be at the meetup besides the guy from Toronto and the course developer. There were two others there I hadn’t met until then. We had a good social meeting and talked about real estate and development. Then a couple hours later it was time to leave and I was faced with walking back to my vehicle. Because the men were strangers, I felt awkward about asking any of them to walk me to my vehicle and also was terrified to walk alone. So I put on my big girl panties and walked quickly down the street past numerous mumbling homeless people, to the corner where there was a larger crowd of the unhoused. I walkd all the way back to the glass cube with the door to the stairs to the parkade.

The door was locked! With panic in my eyes and a quickened knock, I caught the attention of the custodian cleaning the stairs. He let me in and said they lock it to keep the homeless out. Had he not been there, I wouldn’t have known how to get to my vehicle.

I was 45 minutes late, soaking wet and completely frustrated at the efforts to get to the next trendy meetup a few months later. It was on the south side, in a small place that shared it’s space with a sandwich shop. That shop had a big sign and at the time, the fancy little restaurant had it’s name on the door as if everyone was just walking by and could see it. I circled the block a number of times and tried trusting gps and finally, decided to park. It was February and warmish and then it began to sleet. The parking lot I found was getting full due to people going to a nearby show. And the parking payment machine had a lineup which thankfully I got to early with only two people in front of me then a whole lot more behind. The machine was glitching and each person had to try a few times to get the payment through. It took me 2-3 times, then I had to walk three blocks. The hair I had blow dried was a dripping mess when I arrived and my attitude matched.

There were some experiences less stressful, a little nicer weather, a little closer parking.

Then there was the experience last year with the art gallery tour I did with my friend. We parked in underground parking and did our walking through the galleries and due to some injuries were ready to be done. We walked to the door underground where we exited the parkade only to find the doors were locked. We went to the next door and could see the vehicle. There was a guy near the door who came over and let us know he could not let us in; it was against police and directed us to walk upstairs and go to the city hall entrance to come down the elevator. It was a bit of a hike and when we came down, he walked the 50 feet over to where we were to say hi. Rules are rules and it doesn’t matter if you are a couple of older women who don’t look like you are unhoused.

And then there is the cost. In the fall I went to a two day conference. Each day of the weekend, parking was $25. The first day I parked in a rather empty lot with vehicles. I switched two of my numbers on my plate by accident. I came back to a ticket. Interestingly though the vehicle is registered in both our names, they must have know it was me from me using my credit card because they never once followed up with the other registrant.

Yesterday and today we went downtown for business. Yesterday we parked at an outdoor lot which was less expensive. Today with the meeting potentially lasting 5 or 6 hours we opted for all day parking however, there were no spots and due to traffic in the construction area we were cutting time close so parked under the building we were going to. All day parking was $37. No wonder it was quite empty.

When we are in other cities we make out way downtown and enjoy time at the sites and stores and galleries. We use the transit system in those cities. We have found them generally safe. We have stayed in the downtown of some cities. It’s funny/not funny how the perspective is different. In talking with a lady today who works downtown, she wondered about people parking. She lives downtown. It is it’s own community.

How about you? Do you avoid your downtown? Do you live in a downtown? What experience do you have with your downtown and/or those of other cities you visit?

Thanking My Younger Self

I returned from a two week vacation and knew that I had a workout booked for the second day back. I knew I would be sleep deprived the first day, getting back late. In all honesty, I didn’t know how sleep deprived. I went to bed early that night and the next morning got up to embark on my regular routine. I got ready and decided to confirm I had booked the workout for 9:30 am. I had not; I had booked the 12:00 pm lift class. I was elated to not do the run and lift, to have an easier day and more importantly to not have to leave so early. I thanked my younger self for having the foresight to schedule what my current self would want and appreciate.

Yes, two weeks younger self! When listening to podcasts and reading inspirational posts, articles and books, there is a lot of reframing and reverse engineering around our younger selves and our older selves. We may be asked, what is something you can do now that your older self will thank you for? What are you thankful for that your younger self did to get you to where you are now? What would you tell your younger self knowing what you do now? Imagine yourself 10 years older; what would you tell yourself now? These questions are great for shifting our thoughts to what is possible for things we may not consider due to our current situation and beliefs. We can also apply our choices today for our future self tomorrow and be grateful to our yesterday self.

You may have an example of something you wanted 20 years ago and didn’t think was possible until pieces started to come together. Sometimes we try and try for something and it seems we will never get it, then suddenly something happens and there it is. Life can change suddenly when we meet that one person and a few years later you realize that a ball was put in motion to a future you didn’t see coming. You might thank your younger self for going to that meeting, for following up with that person you met at the coffee shop, or for consistently showing up for yourself even when you didn’t feel like it.

Showing up for yourself consistently is often the most difficult, because it is usually small moves, that may not seem to make a difference. Those tiny moves that deceive us into thinking it doesn’t really matter. Those tiny moves we may skip, then skip again and miss a week then a few more; never mind the consistency being gone, there is no movement at all.

We can’t do everything every day. We can’t do everything we might want to or think we should. There are seasons to do this thing or that. In summer we spend time on our bikes, I plant a garden; time spent on things I don’t do in winter. In winter there are other activities that occupy my time. I look forward to each season for the things that I have missed doing and for the rest. Once harvest is done in the fall I look forward to rest from the outside chores and I can focus more on indoor activities. And who doesn’t look forward to spring?

I have done a few 100 day challenges. These challenges gave me some habits that I continue to this day. I have a couple more days until I hit day 400 of Duolingo practice. I have been journalling daily for about the same time. I read from books 30-60 minutes most days; it is part of my morning routine that can be disrupted by flights and early morning appointments. Other things are not daily. Exercise at Orange Theory, according to my membership, is eight times a month, and wallyball is the same day and time weekly, but not in the summer. I started ending my shower with a cold shower 8ish years ago.

I thank my much younger self for playing sports in school, for joining running club in junior high, for participating the weight training study twice in my twenties, for playing drop-in basketball with mostly guys and drop-in volleyball. I thank my younger self for not being afraid to be out of breath, for not shying away from being sore and for having the courage to learn new things when others my age were ‘too old,’ like snowboarding, and hiphop and contemporary dance, in my 50’s.

As I have been journalling now for over a year, I have added a entry items; three things I am thankful for each day, and second is one or two things I am certain of for the next day and/or my future. That may be something like; I am certain tomorrow will be another good day, or I am certain I will figure this thing out, sometimes specific and other times not. I am adding in something I am thankful to my younger self for doing, starting, figuring out, or getting done and it may be my younger self from yesterday.

This may seem silly and perhaps it is especially if one believes it to be so. On the other hand the things that we choose for our minds to dwell on will bring forth more of those things in the future. “I am thankful that my younger self didn’t eat a bunch of junk food yesterday and so I feel good today.” This won’t have meaning unless I have experience eating poorly and resisted the temptation. “I am thankful to my younger self for prepping the food in advance” will have more meaning and gratitude attached when completely exhausted from the long day you knew you were going to have, and made the choice in advance. Not every choice we make will have a pointedly ‘thankful’ recognition. The things that we do recognize, will help us consider them in the future for our older self, even if that older self is aged one day.

What are you thankful to your younger self for? What will your older self, whether a day older or 10 years older going to be thankful to your now self for? What can you high five your younger self for creating for you?

The Last Time

I don’t remember the last time my baby sat in my pocket. That was what we called the small space on the longe end of the couch; the place I sit and my legs extended in front of me; and there is a tiny space between me and the side of the longe. The older kids lined up on the rest of the couch while the little one would sit in that snuggly place we called my pocket. I am sure she sat there from the age of 6 when we moved into the house to 9 or 10, but I really can’t pinpoint that very last time.

And so it is with most of our last times in life, unless they are accompanied by tragedy or great joy. Highly emotional moments stay with us, with a date and a time that gets embedded in our memory, and these can create a cluster of last times. The loss of a loved one, the accident or illness that changed your life in some way, a wedding or a birth; there are moments in life that create great change.

Most of our last times are not a result of big events. They are a result of growth, of slow change, of life’s choices, pivots and forward movement. Some of the last times don’t really matter. The last time you do laundry here as you move into a different home, the last time you use a mug that eventually you put in a box for goodwill, the last time you use a towel because you got new ones. The first time for some of those things may give you some joy, new towels may feel luxurious, a new home is…well…new and doing laundry is a thing to be done. The mugs; there is always a favourite until there is a new favourite.

While many of our last times are out of our control or are replaced by new first times, there are many last times that become last times by what we believe. When was the last time you skipped down the street? When was the last time you jumped on the spot? When was the last time you rode a bike or jogged? After having our children, when the oldest was eleven, I had enrolled them in a running club. I too had the opportunity to use the track at the leisure centre. I hadn’t jogged or run since before children though I had done it from youth until children. The kids thought it was funny to see me jog, because they hadn’t seen it before. I felt extremely awkward doing it, as if I was just learning how to put one foot in front of the other in that way for the first time. I was about 40 at the time and felt old then. Which sounds funny at this time being much older and jogging regularly.

“Your brain doesn’t care if a thought is true. It cares if it’s familiar. What you repeat becomes believable.”-Daniel Pink

I started this blog 12 years ago, quite a few years after that first post children run–a memorable first. I was hearing women my age telling me or others why they couldn’t do things. Words like too old, I don’t like to be sore, it is too much work, I don’t want to get injured, I don’t have time, I don’t like to sweat, I don’t like to feel out of breath…I won’t go on, but I am sure you have heard and/or said some of these things. I have many of them pop into my mind each time I think about doing some exercise. I have to shut the thoughts down or they will win.

There is evidence! We have a world of knowledge at our fingertips. We can find information on anything. In developed worlds we have doctors to diagnose our ailments and other professionals to guide us in whatever we want help with. Some have access to diagnostic tools that can provide insight to how an individual body is working. We know how we feel, we know if something hurts even if the doctors don’t find a cause. Each person knows their body better than someone else. This is not a judgment on what you know. When my husband needed new hips, he couldn’t walk without aid. That was not a refusal to walk. The thoughts in our minds through that time ventured into last times because it felt like the suffering would never end.

The suffering ended. He did all the pre-surgery exercises and he did the recovery exercises and he can do everything though he is not supposed to run because that will wear the hips out faster. Over the last few years we have done a lot of cycling in summer, a lot of walking and hiking on trips. We take the stairs. Even when we are on the 8th floor or like many years ago when we were on a cruise and took the stairs from 5th floor to 15th. It makes us stronger. Does it feel good? Yes! When it’s done. It sucks while doing it.

Grip strength is a measurement used in evaluating decline in the aging population. Grip strength determines a person’s ability to lift items and to do most physical activities. Bones and muscle are kept strong through weight bearing exercise. When you don’t use muscle it diminishes and becomes weaker. Most believe we get weaker as we get older because we are aging. The truth is, we get weaker as we age because we do less. There is a small element of natural body decline, but one need only go to social media to find the people in their 80’s and 90’s that are strong and flexible, some who started in later years to get fit and strong.

As we age, we may need more recovery time for heavy lifting, we may need more sleep when we exercise than when we don’t. It may be difficult to tell what is normal if we are changing what we do. When starting out, it is best not to do too much. But if you are still lifting 2 pound weights in your 50’s that you started with 5 years ago, you are not growing. What more can you actually do, setting aside the false indoctrination of being too old?

People can do more than they let themselves believe. It is easier to do less, to talk ourselves out of taking the stairs, to not increase the weight lifted, the number of steps we take, the extra breaths we take. It’s always easier to do less until we are only capbale of less, and one day we can’t remember the last time we did that thing. It is always a good time to reconsider what you believe you are, and could be capable of.

Why Would I Assume You Are Not?

I recently watched a reel in which a young woman was speaking about the inability for men to understand the word ‘stranger.’ No, not logically understand it, emotionally understand it in personal situations. This does not mean ALL men, but if your first thought is “why would you assume that about me,” then you have confirmed it is about you. Side note: reminds of the song, line “You’re so vain you probably think this song is about you.”

You are most likely a stranger to me, someone I don’t know. So why would I assume you don’t struggle with the concept? If I do know you, and you don’t struggle with this, then I am not referring to you.

Men have it tough. Good men get lumped in with players and creeps, when they are neither; not by their female friends, but by female strangers or acquaintances who don’t know them well enough to know where to put them on the spectrum.

Women have it tough. Those dating get lumped in with the women seeking a free meal or gold diggers. Not by their male friends, but by the male strangers or acquaintances who don’t know them well enough to know where to put them on the spectrum.

People have it tough. They get put in a box based on first impressions, how a person dresses, how they stand, how they speak, their accent, their skin colour, their age, who they are with, how they treat people. When we have traveled to Mexico, we find it easy to pick out the Canadians from the US citizens who are also traveling or staying for a long while. Canadians are strangers with some familiarity and our people. And while Canadians have a good reputation in the world (or most of it because at this time there is some contention from the south), I still don’t assume every person I meet who is Canadian has my best interests in mind.

The young lady in the reel was referring to dating. I have not been in that pool for a long time. However, there is enough evidence in reels and what people say to have some idea of what is going on in the arena. As a young person, I didn’t frequent bars, but I did know when I was out, to never leave my drink unattended. Now women have drink covers and may use them on a date. This would be a situation where a man may ask why she is using the cover, and why she would assume he is a guy that would add something to her drink. He is a stranger so why would she assume he is not a guy that will add something to her drink; that would be risky behaviour on her part. Not because ‘blame the victim,’ but because the danger is a harsh reality…for women. And men in alternative situations.

I saw a statement recently about what men don’t know. “Men don’t know how or how often women are harassed by men, because most men don’t do it in front of other men.” This makes sense. If a man is trying to pick up a woman and keeps badgering her like a time share sales person…and fails, his friends will give him a hard time and his ego will be injured. If he does the same in the presence of other men he doesn’t know, he may not feel safe; he doesn’t know if one or more of them will step in and beat the crap out of him. Men lack the knowledge and understanding of how unsafe the world is for women overall; they don’t have the same experiences and often don’t witness the experiences of women.

A while back, a man who is a fb acquaintance posted that he was struggling with dates. He was on a dating app and he felt like women were just dating for the free meal and it was expensive. He is a stranger to me, so my opinion of him is limited to what I have read or perhaps a video; he runs in the same business circles as I do, mutual friends yada, yada (your opinion of adding people to your friend list you haven’t met is none of my business and doesn’t have a bearing on what I do). Anyway, this guy wanted advice on what to do. He assumed these women were all there for the free meal of the first date. That may have been true for all of them, some of them, or none of them. Perhaps none of them were interested in him once they met him. Perhaps he is creepy…like I said, I don’t know and don’t assume that is is, nor do I assume he isn’t. The women who went out with him may have that opinion or just not be interested. It may be that when he met them, they put out ‘free meal’ vibes and he is correct.

This person showed a message interaction with a woman in which he came across as accusing her of going out for the free meal. She became offended and her responses were also trigger responses. She seemed offended he would assume that about her. And there you have it, a woman stranger wondering why he would assume the worst of her.

It isn’t just men who wonder why someone would assume the worst about them. A woman will also feel the piercing of an unflattering assumption. We all have had someone assume something about us that if we find out, has felt like a stab to the ego. Why would they think I am like like that? What did I do that gave them that impression? What am I projecting that has people feeling uneasy around me? Why won’t that person look me in the eye? Why doesn’t that person like me?

Sometimes, if they knew you better, if they understood who you are, they would not make the same assumptions. Sometimes they would still feel the same way. Not everybody can like you. And also, it may not be about you at all. That person who is non responsive to you, may think the worst of everyone, including the people they know well. They may be a person who thinks everyone is out to get them, thinks everyone has an ulterior motive, hears a ‘diss’ in every comment, doesn’t like many people and generally feels unsafe in the world.

A person who loves everyone, who sees the good in people, who realizes people are dealing with their own crap and that can affect their responses is someone that others may consider naive. They feel safe in the world, around others in a safe environment because they believe the best of people. They may be at more risk because they may not cover their drink or assume the worst of someone who is the worst. Or they may have a good spidey sense, be friendly and take all the precautions, be outgoing and aware of surroundings, examine clues and cues in reading people, while still believing most people are good: Trust but Verify!

Men and women alike can understand strangers. Why would I assume someone is not going to rob me? Why would I assume they are not? Why would I assume a person is unstable? Why would I assume the are stable? Why would I assume a stranger is dangerous? Why would I assume they are safe? Each of us makes judgments about other people and we may be correct or not. We all live in our own minds with our own experiences, our own thoughts, triggers, subconscious fears or anxieties that influence how we ‘feel’ about someone. We are in our own bubbles feeling slighted by the stranger who doesn’t really matter.

When you think “Why would they think that about me?,” follow it with “Why would they think the opposite about me?” And if you find a way to move the needle to the impressions you want to make, do that.

High Maintenance

As a trophy wife, high maintenance comes with the position. By virtue of the terminology of high maintenance (HM), if you liken it to something other than a person, say a car, it involves a greater cost to the owner for the luxury of having it. Regular maintenance of a high end car is more expensive than maintenance of old Nelly the beater. So by virtue of someone being a trophy wife, she needs to keep up appearances and this is paid for by her keeper.

High maintenance is usually paid for by another person in some way or another. A high maintenance friend is one who the friends choose to cater to when they want to spend time with him or her. They pay the ‘maintenance fee’ to maintain the friendship. Babies and toddlers are high maintenance because their demands outweigh their cuteness and hugs a lot of the time. Most choose to have them for the long term benefits of having a family and someday grandchildren who are less high maintenance to the grandparents.

Why Are Women Considered More High Maintenance Than Men?

First of all, do you think women are more high maintenance than men? How do you define high maintenance? Does it matter if you are a woman or a man which you think is more high maintenance? Would weaponized incompetence (honey, can you do it; I don’t know hoowww) in your spouse sway you to that answer? Does society and social media influence your opinion? Duh…of course it does.

And here is where I am going to get on a soap box. Ordinary women, women who hold down jobs, some who are single, some who are equal partners in their marriages, are posting questionnaires on social media: How High Maintenance are You? This follows a list of items that may cost money or time that are specific to women. There are points involved; the more points you get, the more high maintenance you are.

The list consists of items like, pedicures, nails done, hair coloured, eyebrows tattooed or plucked, lashes done, wear makeup every day, style hair daily, where jewelry. Low or no maintenance means you will run on empty, not need any refreshing, armpit hair to the knees and don’t you dare braid or even comb the leg hair. The hair on your head needs to be in a pony tail but that might put you in maintenance mode.

Is it women or men who make these lists. There are some women who where low points like a badge of honour on their braless chest–because bras cost money and take time to put on. They don’t wear make up and they don’t style their hair. They save a lot of time. If that’s what makes them happy and feel alive and make them their best selves, I am happy for them. I applaud their self confidence in not feeling they look better with eyeliner on. I am challenged with the meme, creating a dogma that a woman’s choice to take care of herself in some ways makes her a high maintenance person…someone who needs to be coddled by others.

Why Are There No High Maintenance Lists for Men?

What I haven’t seen are these types of lists for men, despite having as many men on my social media friend’s list. Why is that? Why do men not have the lists? Is it women or men making the list for women? What is the purpose of the list?

If a list for High Maintenance men were made, what would it include? How about, shaves daily, needs an electric raiser to shave, shaves his back, goes to stylist to get hair done or gets wife to clean up the edges after he does his own haircut? Or how about, trims nose or ear hairs, has a tattoo (that took time when it was done and may need touchups) or has multiple tattoos? Maybe wearing a tie can be added to that list, or an earring, or dreadlocks or a man bun? Maybe, he has a gym membership, takes protein powder, TRT or other supplements. Perhaps it is extra potty time, or special foods. And yes, some of these can apply to women too.

People in general may be HM if they brush their teeth daily, go to a dentist regularly, have injuries or illness that requires a doctor more than others. When we have a pet that has to go to the vet more than other pets, they are considered HM; why is it different for people? Perhaps it is because we are people who can make their own decisions on health, wellness and what makes us feel good.

We shouldn’t shame people who do something of their own will like apply make up or get a tattoo, and call them high maintenance. When someone takes time to take care of their appearance, not smell bad in public, regulate their nervous system, take care of their health through food choices and exercise, they shouldn’t be labelled high maintenance. It’s a derogatory statement.

When my husband had to use a walker before hip surgery, he needed more help. I never thought of him as high maintenance in any way though in reality, I needed to do more for our household and for him. When I got a UTI then sore throat on a trip and couldn’t do as much for excursions, he did not think of me as HM even though it affected him; he didn’t want to go exploring without me. We make sacrifices for the ones we love for a time, short or long and while we may suffer and wish it wasn’t so, we don’t tell all our friends they are high maintenance.

Back to the meme’s. They are directed at women. They focus on what women do to feel better, prettier, whatever. It may be a societal image, it may be how they like to see themselves. I for one, live in a society and world where humans have eyebrows and I feel I look better with eyebrows so I will put the makeup on to have eyebrows. It cost more in one sum to get micro-blading done and that would be considered high maintenance. If a woman doesn’t want to wear make up or has perfect eyebrows she is less high maintenance, unless she gets her nails done or other things on a random list that someone determined to be high maintenance for women.

Stop the madness, stop the memes directed at women’s care. Women, stop posting such ridiculous, derogatory, mean and judgmental drivel. It holds on to and adds to the misogyny of our society.

Welcome Home

If you travel often or once a year over years, do you go back to the same place, city, country most times you vacation? If you have had the opportunity to visit a resort in Mexico, you have likely been greeted with Welcome Home. I imagine if you go back to the same resort or property often, for weeks or longer at time, it feels like another home.

When our kids were young our vacations consisted of weekend camping trips and road trips to visit friends and relatives where we had a place to stay for a family of six. As they became adults we began to take some trips on our own. Our first post children trip was one partially funded by family as a gift for our 25th wedding anniversary. It was only five days in Palm Springs but we caught the bug.

There are so many places to visit and so many things to see in this big old world of ours. We love to walk and adventure in new places, experience different foods…as Lorne says, “We don’t look like this without eating.” We love to meet new people and experience the culture of the new place. I must admit, as I said in my previous post, still with creature comforts, though I can and will, rough it for a short time. We have had the privilege of visiting some great places.

Early in our adventures we did not go back to where we had been before. With so many places, why go back to someplace you have already seen and experienced. We had friends who had a time share and would go back to the same place every year or twice a year.

We ‘won’ a trip to Mexico in a draw. We decided to book and went before the plague hit the world. Then our friends said, let’s go to Mexico, so we booked at a different hotel in the area and went to the same restaurants and went for a massage at the place we had gone the time before and we went to the Malecon together and formed some great memories. We went back there a couple of times since.

There is something about going to a familiar place that is not the same as home, where the people and culture are different and where you see someone who you met on the last trip. We have since gone to different cities in Mexico and discovered their offerings and revisited with the intention to see some of the things missed the last time and revisiting favourite restaurants and those recommended by friends who said, “Oh, did you try….if you go back you have to go there, best ‘something’ I have had in Mexico.

We have dreams and plans to travel to other places hopefully sooner than later. We also look forward to going to Mexico and discovering new cities and beaches. Lord willing we will get to do many trips and revisit the places we have been. And even though we know it is something they say to everyone in Mexico, it is great to hear Welcome Home when we are greeted.

Do you have a favourite place you have travelled to or one you go back home to? Are there things that draw you to a certain place you revisit or to an adventure in new places? Do you have a dream location you have not had opportunity to travel to yet?

Packing It In

We were in a lineup waiting to board a connecting flight when we met a woman who came in from another airport. She had a small backpack recognizable in airport attire as a personal item. She didn’t have a carry-on, otherwise known as a small suitcase that may even have an expansion zipper. If you travel, you know.

The woman’s checked bag was not in cargo; it went home with a friend. She arrived at the airport forty five minutes before departure and they would not take her luggage. She told us she had all she needed in her personal item for her two week stay in Mexico; a bathing suit and a pair of shorts.

A few days ago, listening to the radio on the way to my workout, the hosts were talking about packing for warm climates. Tis the season for people in the north to fly south. At least for those who don’t make like geese in the fall and fly south for the whole winter. One host packed the night before, the other packed for a week or more.

In talking with friends I have noticed this as well. How do you prepare for a trip? Do you have a list, make a list, have a stash, make a pile, start a couple of weeks before or wing it the night prior to the flight? What is your process, do you do categories, count undies and socks, take the minimum and do laundry or take enough for each day, and not have to do laundry? Does it matter where you are going or how long you will be away?

Our trips have typically been four days to two weeks. For trips a week or less we typically take carry-ons and personal items. For longer trips we take carry-ons, personal items and 1 shared checked bag. We pack the night before. I don’t pack for my husband as some wives do. I do take care of some of the shared items that we use, like creatine, pain meds, ointments for the blisters and sunburns. He takes care of flights and parking.

I have a tote. It is a 53L one that is on a shelf in the closet. In the tote is the items that I have for trips. I have a small bag that contains a lime squeezer, knife, tiny screwdriver set, nail clippers and melamine cutlery sets–because ice cream is cheaper from the grocery store than from an ice cream shop, and leftovers. In my is my hat and sunglasses I use only for travel, small shampoos and conditioners and hair products because I have Monat and don’t want to use the hotel ones. I have other items I like to take, don’t want to forget but at the moment can’t remember.

Travelling is something we love. I tend to be a home body and like my quiet space. I do like an adventure and I like some creature comforts as well; not sure extreme adventuring would be for me. I like a comfy bed because I wake up sore at the best of times…because I exercise and a good bed is much better than a hard floor. I wake up slow so like to read, and if I can do that on a deck, even better.

I usually forget something or take something I don’t need. I have taken the french press and/or cowboy coffee filter and not used it because there was a coffee maker. I have taken a bubba mug and not used it. I bought an expensive mug in Florida because the hotel had paper cups and I wanted a mug for my coffee. I will be putting a mug in my tote because I drink a 12 ounce cup with creatine first thing and the hotels and resorts have only paper or 8oz/250ml cups available. We always bring our travel mugs but it takes me 2 hours to drink the second cup in that. I will also be keeping an acrylic tumbler in the tote for beverages in my room. The glasses provided are small and my typical drink of soda water with lime needs to be refilled too often in the small glasses.

It seems I am a princess when it comes to my morning routine and my evening beverage after a long day of walking. Other than those things, I do like to have a variety of clothes and will also wear the same clothes more than once. I did get a little anxious when we net that woman in the airport with nothing but the clothes on her back. When we got for excursions that involve a lot of walking, I like wearing my gym shoes and that mean I need socks and I can’t have too many socks. I will always take more socks than the average person and I will wear them all.

Do you use packing bags? The radio hosts were talking about double zipper bags that sounded pretty good. You pack the clothes, sorted in type (shirts) or outfits in the bag, zip it then zip the other zipper to compress the size. Putting the packs in your suitcase gives more space than packing everything together. I have not invested in the packing bags but curious about them and may try some out in the future.

What are some of the non negotiable items on your list for every trip or specific trips? Do you pack willy nilly, or with packing bags or something in between? Do you pack the night before or prepare for weeks? What is your process and what do you want to do different for a future trip? And do you have a cat that thinks the suitcase is the best place to hang out?

Happening For You

I did a brazen thing and it ties in with my updates from last week. More on that in a bit. The days following my blue day did not get all sunshiny. Another incident a couple days later had me contemplating my life and myself. The saying that comes to mind is to look at the things that occur as happening for you not happening to you. When things are going ‘wrong’ it is not reassuring to think they are happening for you. In fact most people want to scream….HOW!?! is this good for me?

It isn’t easy to see how something is helpful when it is feeling hurtful. It is almost never possible to see how something will benefit when it feels costly. Partly because we can’t see the future benefits and partly because it is difficult to imagine beauty with our left hemisphere is in a spiral of despair and anxiety of what is happening in the moment and the ‘logical’ imagined outcome of the situation.

It is only in retrospect we see the benefits of things that happen. Though we can create a practice of allowing our mind to consider that something is happening for us. We can practice gratitude for things that may seem to be a negative thing in our day and we can practice certainty that things will turn out. We can also practice through seeing the good that comes from the things we thought to be bad in the moment. Which brings me something from my blue Thursday and my brazen action.

If you recall, last Thursday I was deleting marketplace items I had listed because they had been stolen from a vacant house from which the owner had asked me to sell items. I found the water heater and the basement fridge listed by someone who had a commerce profile. I was on my computer and took photos with my phone of the ads…yes I know I can do screen shots on my computer and how to. The ads disappeared when I asked about the HWT. A friend searched on her profile and couldn’t find them either.

A couple days later, I sold the fridge and I changed the door code to the house (the person had access using the code but the owner couldn’t pin down who it was). I informed the owner of the changed code. Then I listed the HWT. Prior to listing the HWT, the thief had disconnected and moved it, taking a photo of it while it was draining, which was in his ad. I had photos from before of the tank in place and the spec sticker. I used those for my ad, AND the front forward photo I used was a cropped version of the person’s photo with the water draining. Only one person could take that photo and if he was looking to see if the HWT was listed, he would know that I used his photo.

Did he ask about the HWT? Maybe. Not with the commerce profile, but perhaps a different one. I sold the HWT in a couple of days for more than he had listed it for. And the person who bought the HWT wanted the kitchen cabinets and some doors, items I wouldn’t have listed but got paid for. He has also asked about the garage doors which I would list however, it is a lot less work if I have a buyer lined up. In the end, despite the losses of the items stolen, there will be more salvaged from the house and less work for me. I didn’t have to disconnect and drain the HWT, I listed and sold it for more than I had planned to based on what the other guy listed it for. I also got some pleasure from listing the HWT using his photo.

The concept of things happening for you doesn’t change the tragedies and heartbreak and struggles and hopelessness we go through. It doesn’t call out the unicorns and butterflies to play especially when it is happening. It doesn’t magically turn a blue day into a sunshiny day. With practice on the good days to reflect and to find evidence of the things that turned out better because of something does help us feel certain about things in the moment.

One of my practices in my journal that I mentioned last week is to list three things each day that I am thankful for. I have yet to write that I am thankful for a ‘bad’ thing but this week listening to a podcast with Greg Mckeown (Essentialism), he stated that we should practice just that prior to seeing how it turns out in the end.

The other thing I write which I started a few months ago after listening to a podcast is certainty statements for my next day. They change a bit but some examples would be, ‘I am certain tomorrow will be a better day than today.’ I am certain tomorrow will be another great day.’ ‘I am certain things will turn out okay.’ I have different certainties about my next day and my future. Do they help? I feel like every day is a good day even when it is blue. So I will practice and perhaps one day, I will see the thing that is happening in a moment as being for me while it is happening and or right after.

Blue Days, Seasons and Showing Up

Yesterday was Blue Thursday. No that’s not an official day like Blue Monday. It was blue Thursday for me. It didn’t start out that way. I had a regular morning of reading and having coffee, getting a shower and heading off to wallyball.

On the way, I made a mistake and my thoughts spiralled from there. It wasn’t so bad in retrospect but the thoughts, they spiralled because of a couple underlying conditions, tiredness from a couple nights with less sleep, and stress about something. Then I was late; I didn’t set out early enough which I could have avoided, so it became another screw up. Other things added to my shades of blue until it was a full blown blue day, dissipating in the evening.

Blue Monday is the third Monday of January and is considered the saddest day of the year at least in the northern hemisphere of first world countries. It follows the holiday season; it occurs in people when reality sets in. Days are still cloudy and cold and dark. Eating season turns into gym season at the beginning of January and by the third Monday, a large percentage of people have realized they will not continue to go to the gym. Others have fallen off other wagons that were built with promises to themselves and good intentions. No one wants to be a failure and by Blue Monday, the sugar plum fairies of a few weeks prior, are replaced with the words like failure and other disarming words, dancing around in their heads.

I love eating season and I love to bake. December had me baking cookies and squares; not as much as when I had kids at home but still enough. We had many occasions spent with family and friends in our home and in others’ homes, where making and taking food was involved. The seasonal choices call out when they are on the table or counter during a meal, and as a snack when enjoying down time at home. This makes for a wonderful season. A season of reconciliation follows…because consequences.

Yesterday, I had a plan for the day. After being back at wallyball after the break, I wanted to check on a few projects I have been involved with, as boots on the ground for out of town investors. The first one, I was contracted to sell the good items from the house. The fridge and stove were stolen by someone who has the code. Later when deleting those items from marketplace, I saw the water heater and basement fridge on marketplace, with a newer market profile. They disappeared when I asked if the hwt heater was still available.

Enough about the things that happened…things happen and sometimes they suck. Bad days are normal. I was talking to an investor on Monday and I shared some experiences. I also shared that other people are going through tragic things. That is not to minimize what first world problems I am going through, it is to give perspective and create thankfulness for what is good and going well in my life. Each day I journal three things I am thankful for the day. It guides my thoughts even when I am feeling blue.

Which brings me to showing up. I have not wanted to go to the gym in the last few weeks. It is cold and dark out. My chubby body does not want to run on the treadmill or row or lift weights. I have signed up for all my workout classes; and I don’t cancel so I show up. I show up with the thought of doing the minimum and getting it done. I really don’t want to be there. The last couple have been particularly annoying because on Tuesday, the shower head fell on the back of my neck on one side and put my neck out, caused a bruise and swelling. I am happy to report the chiropractor appointment after my workout today, has me back in line.

Showing up. Creating, starting, and keeping a habit, or breaking a habit. The hardest part of creating a good habit is starting, not the first day, or the second, when it is new and exciting, but showing up when it no longer is exciting. Then the beginning the habit each time is the most difficult thing. I have said it before, I can talk myself out of any workout or physical activity. I can argue for hours with myself. I did that recently one evening. I can cancel my workout as long as it is eight hours prior to start time. I spent an evening with the two voices in my head arguing about it. I got up to go to the bathroom at 1:00 am and considered cancelling then. Instead, I showed up.

As James Clear (Atomic Habits) says, to make the habit you want to stick with, make it easy, and remove obstacles. I set my clothes out the night before. If I will be changing clothes at the gym I pack a to-go bag as well. I have a solid morning routine. I go with the intention of showing up because the idea of working hard is an obstacle. I know I will feel better once I am warmed up and I know I am competitive enough to up my game. Most of all, I don’t think about going because the thoughts would not be good and edifying.

I know the season of 631 days of January will end. I know the blue days don’t last when they are here. I was practicing yesterday to release the need to have a good day. I can sit in a blue day and embrace the calm that comes with not caring about much of anything…but myself. It’s not always a bad thing to be blue and introspective; sometimes our body is saying, ‘take a seat, sit with this, do the things and let this pass.’

Seasons come and go. Blue days become sunny days. We can show up in blue days or seasons. Other times it’s best if we don’t. I am content in knowing who I am enough to know when it is better for me to show up or when it is better for me to step back. What do you do to show up when you know you need to? How do you move through blue days or tough seasons? Blue Monday is approaching; time sharpen the tools.

What’s the Word?

Happy New Year!

Do you have a word for the year? I don’t always have a word of the year, but when I do, I often forget it by March. I can’t say for sure if it is a matter of inconsistency or if it is that I have squeezed the juice from it and don’t need it any longer. When I do choose a word of the year, I choose it based on what is going on in my life in December, the book(s) I am reading and people asking “what’s your word for the coming year?” I don’t tend to choose a new word part way through the year because it’s not something that comes up.

I have a word for this year, and no, I don’t remember what word I had last year but I likely have it written down somewhere, maybe even a blog post I haven’t looked back on.

In December I read The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate. It’s funny how, no matter what I read, the podcasts hosts I listen to have similar themes. And I read books recommended in podcasts as well as those of the guest authors, which was the case this time, hearing Gabor Mate again on a podcast and deciding to read the book.

I didn’t grow up with a lot of trauma, there was no big T trauma that I recall. There were little t traumas that are normal in any childhood from misspoken words, the ‘look,’ missteps and mishaps of parents doing their best and with the information they have, and siblings and classmates who are children, doing misguided and cruel things as they navigate society. All the people who are working through their own issues tumbling through life in a kaleidoscope of interactions that aren’t always beautiful. And the interpretation of it all; the memories that on each retelling to our own selves, that shifts and transforms to a point that may be unrecognizable from the moment of occurrence.

Then becoming a parent. Not knowing what you are doing and giving it your best shot. Listening to your inner circle and being influenced by what is happening in the world you live in; guiding decisions that seem to be good at the time. Exhaustion and stress and growing and changing through each experience. Failing, falling, rising, growing; changing without out realizing it.

No child has the same parent, whether you are the child experiencing life at the hands of your parents or you are the parents influencing the lives of your children. You don’t have the same parents your older or younger siblings did/do and you aren’t the same parent to each child. You were a different person as a child than the others, and different each year of growth and development. Each child you have as a parent, is experiencing a different parent due to the growth and experience of the adult, while there is growth and development of each child in a family dynamic.

We also don’t change drastically. My parents had the same rules for all 5 of us. We had the same rules for our 4. Procedures were followed and they shifted as people grew up and family dynamics changed.

The hard part of dealing with our trauma, is healing from it. Most of our thoughts and ideas were adopted into our subconscious before we could form our own conscious reasonings. The feelings of not being smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, strong enough, enough enough; they started when we didn’t know how to know we are enough.

So you may think my word is enough…and it is in a sense, enough is enough. I have worked on my small t traumas for a long time. It is a process of feeling the emotion and being curious and finding a way to check the thoughts that arise. It will be a life long journey. I will continue to let go of the thoughts that don’t serve me, except when I am stressed or tired or hungry because we all know how that goes. I will also continue to mitigate those circumstances.

My word is Release. It is letting go. Letting go of the thoughts that come up, letting go of what others say and think, letting go of shame over what I didn’t know, letting of of should have-could have. I am not letting go of my accountability, I am not letting go of my responsibility; I am releasing what I cannot change. I am releasing how ‘it should be or should have been.’ I am releasing others from the ways they may have contributed to the way I feel, to the things that I have/had no control over, to the way I subconsciously think of myself because of what they have done. I am releasing and letting them. I am releasing focus on the negative.

What this means to other people. Don’t expect me to get up in your drama, don’t ask me to agree with you on all your thoughts on the government, the plagues, the types of people that offend you. Don’t expect me to watch your conspiracy videos, your hate propaganda, or engage in your victim mindset. I am releasing the negativity and nurturing my mind so I have energy to serve myself and others.

Know this. When possible physically and/or in spirit, I will sit with you when things go bad, I will celebrate with you when things go well. I will pray for you and your family. I will answer your call for help when I can and I will do what I can. I will release the need to be all of the things. I will say no at times when I need to take care of me. I will release the need to stay silent when speaking is warranted. I will release the need to speak when silence is more important.

Most of all I will release the need to get it right every time and I will release beating myself up when I fail and fall. Perhaps this year I will remember my word past my birthday and continue to transform it’s meaning through other things I have not considered. Because I will grow through this and experiences I have no control over; I will be a different person at the end of this year than I was 2 days ago (the end of last year). What is your word/work for 2026?